I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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