Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
