I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
