I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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