Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
