So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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