Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
