Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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