suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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