mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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