the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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