Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
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He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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