He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
