i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
