So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
