I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
