Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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