If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Randomize
