For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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