$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
