It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
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We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
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Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize