I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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