I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
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Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
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I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*