I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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