You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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