God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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