glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
