So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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