Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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