Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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