If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
