does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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