Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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