Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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