Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
