Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
