You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
