so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
