12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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