we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
