I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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