Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
