Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
