I wish I could teleport
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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