Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
this just has baby written all over it
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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