Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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