she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
