I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
