my phone needs a breathalizer
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
