you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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