I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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