rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
