His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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