I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
