I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
