If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
