I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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