Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
